Greetings. I'm Mike Hume. You may recall me from such poorly conceived competitions as The Original News-Press Vegan Challenge. For those interested in the origins of this little venture, I chronicled it in my weekly column for the Falls Church News-Press. I've pasted it below rather than using a link since our archive site was hacked by an adult escort service.
A Competition in Guarding the Plate
By Mike HumeThere’s something about competition that energizes the spirit. A pride that emanates when you look into your opponent’s eye and you think: “You can’t do this better than me. I’m going to beat you.” That’s a sentiment I’ve experienced first hand on the playing field, on the hard wood and on the hard court. But I never thought that I would experience that feeling over a plate of vegetables.
My competitive streak landed me in an odd situation two weeks ago when News-Press Managing Editor Jody Fellows and I were openly lauding the wholesome goodness of meat. We wondered how anyone could go without eating this delectable staple food group. That’s when it happened.We simultaneously decided to have a contest, Jody, Staff Reporter Darien Bates and I. We’d see how long the three of us could go without eating meat. But there was a snag, it seems that Darien used to be a vegetarian, giving him an inherent advantage and sending the odds-makers into a tizzy. This was solved expeditiously, however — veganism.
Vegans, for those of you who don’t know, don’t consume any meat or other animal bi-products. Thus, the taboo list consisted of any meats, eggs, butter, milk, and cheese or other dairy products. The jury’s still out on honey. Apparently honey is the Michael Jackson of veganism. Nobody’s sure what it is.
Basically, the rule of thumb for veganism is, if you think you can eat it, you’re wrong. This proved to be the hardest part of the contest and proved our ultimate undoing.
In any competition you need to be mentally focused. All three of us are former athletes, we’ve all played through various injuries. Jody finished the last portion of his baseball season with a broken pinkie. Darien gritted through a soccer match with a partially torn hamstring. In one baseball game, I had something in my eye. I think it was chalk. Don’t laugh, that stuff burns.
My point is that we have the mental fortitude to push through a little adversity. But complying with the rules of veganism is downright draining. You have to scour menus for months to find dishes that even come close to complying. And then you still have to make a special order to make sure that animals aren’t within 50 miles of the food as the meal is prepared. We ate the Veggie at Quiznos (no cheese), fried tofu, a dish called Fake Cow Slim from Bangkok Blues, Jody even ordered a cheese-less pizza. The sheer exhaustion of finding foods that comply with the diet essentially led to a traditional lunch of chips and salsa. And nuts. Lots and lots of nuts.
As you’ve probably conjectured by now, there are certain dietary repercussions from eating a diet consisting of one part chips, one part salsa, one part Fake Cow Slim, and eight parts peanuts. Let me just say you have no concept of the pain a peanut can inflict.Small, but potent. Curse you Mr. Peanut.
All of our friends and relatives told us we were crazy. Why would we put ourselves through such an ordeal? Why not drop out?“I didn't want to lose," Jody says, as I ask him. “I'm not going out like a punk.”
That's why we couldn't break. That's why we refused to give in, even when friends sucked every last morsel of meat off a chicken wing, even when we watched our eggs and milk go sour in the fridge, or when we lay awake at night clutching our stomachs like the guy from “Alien.” We couldn't give up. It was like Jim Valvano was talking to us from inside the alfalfa and sprouts of the “Healthy Dog” from the Lost Dog Café, urging us on.
Ultimately, we broke (We're just men … ). I succumbed to the temptation of a cheese pizza as I watched college football. Jody fell off the wagon at I.H.O.P. Saturday night, because, well … “It's freaking impossible to find vegan food at 4 a.m.”
And that's how Darien, whose spirit is an unassailable temple, won the News-Press Vegan Contest and thus claimed the prize of a steak dinner. Fortunately for our wallets, Darien doesn't eat red meat.
If you've actually read this far, I'm sure that you've seen the utter uselessness of a contest of this sort. I'm sure you're confused, as our friends were, as to why we would waste our time with a competition of this sort. But, the answer is in the question, so to speak. It's because of competition that we do it.
When you think about it, all of life is a competition. At its most basic, life is survival of the fittest, but even for advanced beings such as us, it is of primary importance. We compete on playing fields, yes, but we also compete in the classrooms to get into better colleges, where we again compete to get better jobs, where we compete to get a better salary so that our families can have the tools that they need to compete in school or in their jobs and the cycle repeats itself.
Competition is in our very nature. Sometimes you need to poke fun at it just to stay on an even keel. Otherwise you may end up going, well … nuts.
Following the publication of that column, I was derided for not taking the Vegan lifestyle seriously enough. Just see the Letter to the Editor pasted below:
Editor,
With regard to Mike Hume's recent column on vegan competition: unless the competition involves only luck (drawing a card from the deck), usually one prepares for the event. I wonder whether the three boys involved in the competition even googled one website to research veganism. (There are many.) Learning to be a vegan is a journey. Like many things in life, it must be studied and practiced. Mike's feeble attempt at humor “if you think you can eat it, you're wrong” show how completely unprepared he was and highlights his lack of imagination. The places in just the Falls Church are where one can find vegan food are numerous: Whole Foods, Happy Family Restaurant, Subway, Giant, Safeway and even the Burger King, to name a few. One need not survive on nuts, “lots and lots of nuts.” The number of fruits, veggies, beans and grains available are almost limitless, especially in an urban area such as ours.
The rewards of veganism, whether health, ethical, environmental or personal, are many. In these days where marketplace rewards of immediate gratification and large profits take precedence over long range plans and goals which consider the good of the future, it takes patience, courage and maturity to strive for knowledge and excellence. I am sure that the competitions in which Mike and his friends have previously used their mental fortitude (basketball, baseball) would not have been attempted without coaching, fitness, knowledge of the rules governing these sports and much practice. It would seem obvious that changing a lifestyle, even for a short competition would require the same. Veganism is a philosophy, not a menu choice. Mike and his friends, like so many others, have been brainwashed by propaganda from the dairy and meat producers about animal protein being necessary and vegetables being less important in a healthy diet. Some of the strongest creatures on earth (elephants, gorillas) are vegans. Incorporating even part of the vegan philosophy is a healthy choice for anyone.
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I would submit, however, that while those animals may be mighty vegans, I have also watched gorillas eat their own dung at the National Zoo, so perhaps their diet is not the choicest one around.
Since I'd hate to give the impression that I am belittling those who make the nobel lifestyle choice of Veganism, let's just get this out of the way now. The point of this contest is about competition, an underlying drive by men (usually between ages 13 and 40 with large quantities of spare time on their hands) to test their minds, bodies and wills against one another to see who can reign supreme. When all is said and done, the winner can glory in their achievement and, in this case, an obscene amount of meat and possible cardiac arrest in the middle of Pennsylvania.
I don't think less of anyone who practices Veganism, in fact I have a great amount of respect for anyone with the discipline to deny themselves something on principle. However, I feel that I evolved into my place at the top of on the food chain fair and square and until some John Hammond genetically engineered T-Rex from Isla Sorna comes to knock me from my perch, I plan on staying there.
Since I was harassed previously for my lackadaisical approach to Veganism, I wanted to make damn sure I had my game face on for this year's contest. I researched hard and actually spent an hour and a half with my girlfriend walking around Harris Teeter reading individual ingredients off of packaging. Sometimes the little buggers can be sneaky and slip honey or milk products into the mix. This led me to adopt my bread-buying mantra of "No Whey, Jose."
I feel that I am well-supplied for this endeavor, having stocked up on ample animal-friendly foods for each of the three meals. I started Vegan Day One by eating a pair of Van's All Natural Organic Vegan toaster waffles with some raspberry preserves and a glass of OJ. Toss in some coffee with Silk Non-Dairy Creamer and my engines were revving for this competition. I think the birds sang a little louder in support of me on my way into work today.
It was at lunch where I hit my first snag: Panera wasn't serving its Southwest Tomato Vegetarian Soup. My plan was foiled for a time, but I revised it by buying two Everything Bagels, both Vegan according to Panera's website with complete ingredient and preparation information. (It's at times like these when I'd like to extend a hearty thank you to whoever filed the frivolous lawsuit to demand such information be available. God bless America.). I popped some peanuts for protein and am full enough to wait for a fine dinner of grilled veggies, tofu and brown rice. Let the good times roll!
